Finally Winter

IMG_2390In New Orleans the end of summer is excruciating. The heat continues on into the fall and the massive rainstorms become monotonous. Today was the first real day of cold. The whole atmosphere of campus changed. People became friendlier and almost everyone had a smile out. The college students on my campus became less rowdy which was nice because I enjoy peaceful days. Even the trees and the plants and the flowers and shrubs were happy.

These two squirrels (now staring at me) were chasing each other around the branches of this tree.IMG_2386Today feels magical. It’s the perfect temperature outside just enough to show off my new leather jacket but not harsh enough that I couldn’t be comfortable outside without one.
Everyone was well dressed today. I saw a girl in very feminine business attire. I typically dislike women business attire. The shoulders of the jacket are usually pointy which widens the shoulders and the flaps flair out so much that it makes the hips and waist look oddly large. They also somehow make the woman seem shorter than she actually is. This girls suit however was thin from the top to the bottom. Her hips naturally pushed the sides out and there was enough of a curve in the waist that it didn’t crinkle from the shape of her body. The shoulders were rounded. The suit was left open down the middle and slightly curved out near the base. She had a white shirt tucked in to her pants and relatively high heels on. She looked very tall and elegant. The openness of her Jacket gave a slimming white line down from her chest to her waist. The white shirt made her look clean, somewhat pure and inviting, coupled with the bluish grey jacket. If only she’d smiled her outfit would have been complete.
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Some girls just refuse to smile. Perhaps it’s some sort of emotional defense mechanism against being hit on. A smile however can mean many things. I smiled at a man walking down the sidewalk and it was like saying “I can see your a confident dude. I hope you have a good day.” I gave some friendly smiles to other people today as well. It’s the manner of the smile and who you’re smiling at that gives it meaning. This other girl I saw walking down the path in the middle of campus wore a daring, but still somewhat conservative outfit on. It was formal in essence. The way she walked however changed the manner in which I smiled. Her shoulders were arched back, She held a strong steady pace, and her stride ebbed and flowed with boldness. She wanted to be recognized. She spent her whole morning planning how she wanted to be seen. I made sure to locked eyes with her when we walked past each other and for a moment she tried to hold back her expression. Her face lit up with the truth. The truth is in the eyes. When two people share a gaze there’s no hiding your inner truth. Her expression looked like something between blushing, and in a word, “I know you think i’m sexy and I like the way you’re looking at me.” The energy passed between us was powerful. My body tingled with the bit of her existence that she shared with me. I didn’t feel like I needed anything more from the encounter. The colors became more vibrant and the sounds of the earth, clearer. That moment we shared catapulted my mood.

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Shadow Work

I recently came upon Carl Jung, and his Idea of the shadow self. Carl Jung was a friend of Sigmund Freud and a prominent Psychologist/Psychoanalyst in his time.

The shadow self is the subconscious part of us that is dark and filthy. It is the hypocritical part of us when we judge others for doing things, that we often do ourselves. It’s the Whole Raw Self, hiding behind the mask, that we want everyone to see. It’s the blame we pass on people, races, religions, countries, immigrants sexes … It’s telling yourself (I am this), but (I am not that), without recognizing that you are just as capable of doing, or liking,the very things you tell yourself you don’t do, or like.

Every person has this.

Not everyone faces it.

Not facing this keeps us from coming to terms with humanity. I mean our own humanity, and humanity as a whole.

We fail to recognize, however that our own humanity is part of humanity as a whole.

Shadow Work is the very act of facing this Fucked Up human nature.

Its accepting that you at your core are a deviant sexual fiend, That you drink too much and your not sorry, that you want to try new substances, that deep down you want to get revenge on that bitch for fucking with you that way, that you want to fight that mother fucker who called you out, that you want to have power and control, that you are ok with putting yourself first, even if it is at the expense of someone else.

Its saying to yourself I am not above this.

It gets darker.

Its seeing jeffery dammer and saying to yourself I could do that. And shit I might even enjoy it.

This is not to condone illicit behavior. Illicit behavior is a societal construct for a reason. It protects the Logical self interest of many people.

I stress Logical because as humans we are both primal and logical. At the center of our brain we contain the same thing that drives a cheetah to chase down gazelle and rip their face off. Our logical side keeps us from stalking our boss on the way home from work, tripping him with our DIY dewclaw we made from watching You Tube, Biting his neck for the kill and eating his guts out.

Shadow Work is accepting that you are fucked up because we are all fucked up. And when your smoking a cigar and drinking Scotch, at the bottom of hell, for a short visit, with ya boi Jeff Dammer, you can look up and see the world without judgement. You can even look at yourself in the mirror and smile.

Watch

A Dangerous Method

By David Cronenberg

With Michael Fassbender, Keira Knightley and Viggo Mortensen

Direct Current

Your Life Force Beat Electric Currents through your Chest and Into by Ears

I was in Tune To your Frequency

Ill never forget the Sound It Made

Like an Industrial Engine Started for the First time in Forever

Creaky Vibrating Imperfections

As I lay I could feel it

Warming Up

Smoothing Out

By the morning You Hummed with Ease yet you kept checking your Gas Gage on your Wrist Wondering When Will It Run Out

I can’t Fill you Forever

 

I still long for her

The one who had me first

My Kinetic Love put into motion

The taste still lingers in my mouth

The taste of her lips

The taste of her words

The taste of her world

I wanted to be a part of her

Then Separation

I gave it to her

And I want it back

My peace of mind

My Piece of Heart

I flutter from flower to flower

Trying to suck up all the sweet nectar that I gave to her

Only then am I satiated

for the moment

It works at first

It is rejected like a bad organ transplant

It shrivels up and falls off

It doesn’t belong to me

I search for more nectar

How many must I pollinate ?

are there enough flowers in the garden to satiate my desire?

will my collection turn to honey?

 

NoMoreSheep

Im done

With being your humble little bitch

Im a free man

I have wants and needs

and Im not gonna get what I want being your silly little sheep

I wanna grow horns and feel the thorns rip my flesh from my bones

Let my inner macabre shine through

Let my skeleton shine with the light of the moon and the ground open up and swallow me

Let me puke up my purity and my insecurities

Fuck the light I choose the dark

I met you

I’ll never forget you

I don’t care if your a nasty slut

I don’t care if you get kicked out of that hostel for all your bullshit

Your real with me

but not really

you as real as you can be at any given moment and i’m ok with that

I just like your energy

Its healing

while everything else we do is irresponsible as shit

I choose Life

But most of all I choose Death

And maybe that crazy little monster wriggling inside of you can revive this suppressed enigma living inside of me

Feed me your energy and I will rise to do great things

and only after that will I find out what only death brings

Its been a while

but finally

my heart rings

Pots

I have been shrouded. my exterior clothes seem pure but my skin is filthy. A scent masks my odorous intent. I am the product of my desire. I long for it. I crave it. But it has no bearing over my Goal. my goal is this. To be Great. To make myself known as I so wish to be known. I am now the image of my desires. I am both clay and potter. My will shall form the shell of my emptiness and it will be shiny and clean. A glimmering hope for those who seek to fill their emptiness with emptiness. Endlessly pouring air into air and laughing as if we are champions. Beautiful pots we are. Mad Potters With Beautiful Useless Exteriors.

REFLECTION ON THE MOMENT

Speeding down a freeway off a cliff

Why does does it take so long ?

Im waiting for that moment of free fall

Im waiting for the bottom of the cliff

what will happen when I get there ?

falling free in the air

Whats free when your falling ?

The moments you had on the road ?

The Pain and the Fear ?

The whole purpose of the drive is the fall anyways

and the end of the fall is the bottom

and thats where I want to be

Will I change my mind when it’s too late ?

Will I regret speeding to the bottom ?

Never stopping to open my door and take a walk

Never rolling my windows down to feel the breeze

Never believing anyone would want to hop in and ride with me

It must smell bad in here

There’s too much trash

Ive got too much baggage in my trunk to carry theirs

They won’t like my CDs anyways

When I get to the edge will I try to hold on ?

When I fall off the ledge will I look back ?

Will I ponder the possibilities ?

Will I Regret the reality,

Or will I accept that it was all for nothing ?

We live to die

We suffer to suffer

and to cling to joy is foolish

 

 

 

 

POEM

An Undulating Obélisque

Past Time Ossified

Composure Breeds Decomposition

Possibilities Pre Proportioned

Purposed Towards Incomprehensible Inevitability

A Destined Indomitable Determinant

3 Opinions 2 Options 1 Result

Vocational Misrepresentation

Ones Will

A Postponement Of An Ultimatum


May I Cease To Exist ?

No !


You Call It Love

I call it Abominable

Creation Without Representation