REFLECTION ON THE MOMENT

Speeding down a freeway off a cliff

Why does does it take so long ?

Im waiting for that moment of free fall

Im waiting for the bottom of the cliff

what will happen when I get there ?

falling free in the air

Whats free when your falling ?

The moments you had on the road ?

The Pain and the Fear ?

The whole purpose of the drive is the fall anyways

and the end of the fall is the bottom

and thats where I want to be

Will I change my mind when it’s too late ?

Will I regret speeding to the bottom ?

Never stopping to open my door and take a walk

Never rolling my windows down to feel the breeze

Never believing anyone would want to hop in and ride with me

It must smell bad in here

There’s too much trash

Ive got too much baggage in my trunk to carry theirs

They won’t like my CDs anyways

When I get to the edge will I try to hold on ?

When I fall off the ledge will I look back ?

Will I ponder the possibilities ?

Will I Regret the reality,

Or will I accept that it was all for nothing ?

We live to die

We suffer to suffer

and to cling to joy is foolish

 

 

 

 

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REALIZATION FROM A CHRISTIAN PERSPECTIVE

Mom and Dad

I didn’t ask to be here

I didn’t ask you two to fuck

But you Fucked

And now I’m Fucked

We’re all Fucked

God, Who gave you permission to create me ?

Created against my will

Of course, I had no will until you created me

Although I may will to cease existence

You dare not provide me with the result to my plea

It would be different, if things were different

It would be ok if I were made perfect

But I am subject to sin

The sin that plagues humanity

I was raised from it

I was born with diseased cells, manipulated, brainwashed, told I am wrong for being what I am, and expected to uphold your precepts to redeem myself

I should have no need for redemption

You say I am made in your image

You must be hideous

You say you cannot deny free will

It was the will of my flawed genetic donors to create me

But you did not stop them because of free will

Well it is my will to have no existence

No part in your delights or your torments

Free me from Being

Or forever be Despised through my eyes you pitiful existence


OF COURSE

THERE IS NO GOD

AT LEAST NOTHING HUMANS COULD EVER COMPREHEND

ALL THOSE YEARS IN PSYCHOSIS

WASTED TIME

AND IM STILL SUFFERING THIS PLAGUE


All thats left to do is enjoy whats left

 

POEM

An Undulating Obélisque

Past Time Ossified

Composure Breeds Decomposition

Possibilities Pre Proportioned

Purposed Towards Incomprehensible Inevitability

A Destined Indomitable Determinant

3 Opinions 2 Options 1 Result

Vocational Misrepresentation

Ones Will

A Postponement Of An Ultimatum


May I Cease To Exist ?

No !


You Call It Love

I call it Abominable

Creation Without Representation

 

@erroneouschoices

Forgive me for not being sorry. How is it that you’ve managed to flip my swich on every time i connect to your circuit? You ideas circumambulate my sphere as I rummage through your past musings. I do not know what I should feel, yet you have made me immune to apathy, so I feel it all. Every cut, scrape and bruise is both mine and yours. We are two not one. We are far not near. We are unknown not known. These circumstances are a reality. That has not stopped me from becoming “you”. This blog is our bond, and I will know you better than anyone on the surface world. Let us sit here together in the molten core beneath our crusty exteriors, melting together into a new sense of self.

Selfless

Snapshot

MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL 

 

January 27th, 2159

There was another attack today. 

Deborah was tending to the mutant children when they came.

Boris was fine of course. She swung her club foot around like a baseball bat and took out about half of them, but they still managed to eat off Deborah’s face.

Why did they have to eat her face?

How is she supposed to take care of the children now? 

 

January 32nd, 2159

Deborah is feeling much better now. Little Abagail told me that she is happy that Deborah has no face. The children as a whole are happier. Apparently the mole scared the children. 

I can understand where the children are coming from. Deborah’s mole was a hideous looking growth. The placement was just wrong. It sat right under her nostril and looked like a giant hairy booger. She had so much hair on it that it was as if she had hair follicles growing out of her existing hair. Every now and then if she sat still, you could see it throbbing as if it had a heartbeat or something.

Why didn’t she get it removed before the outbreak? Maybe it was the remnants of her embryonic sister who never fully developed? I could understand if she had an emotional attachment to it or if it had a consciousness. But even if it had a consciousness, would it not be better to put it out of its misery? 

All we can be sure of at this moment is that Deborah no longer has a face.

Maybe there is a God?

POEM

Sound

The dictation of my soul

The sound of a steady drip

The sound of a heartbeat

The sound of the rushing waterfall

The sound of her voice that echoes through the chasms of my cavernous heart

So vast and dark

I face it head on with but the glow of a candle to light my way

My own song bounces off the wet limestone walls

Eagerly I await her response

the soft sweet voice of her who makes my cavern seem less small

Hopefully we will glow together in harmony

before my wax melts into the ever expanding void

and my ears never hear the sweet sound of her voice

never to know the words to her song

 

Short Story

DIARY OF DUKE

 

Bzzzzz

Bzzzzz

 

firm hushed intonation

 

Not now Sarah Im in class

 

Moms dead were all going to Alex Honnold memorial hospital

 

Ok … well … i’m in the middle of class

 

Really duke …

 

hangs up

phone off

overheard conversation

crooked necks are straightened

poor attempts at hidden glances

room still stiff and quiet

the lecture proceeds

muffled voice in agitation

 

coffin

blonde wood

matte sheen

smudged chrome

all on black cloth

the only color in her face

a single rose

bright

vibrant

reflected by the summer sun

the summer sky blue _ and clean

cotton clouds _ its frame

the oaks active as the birds _ and the breeze

melodious tunes tweet mornings end

as the service starts

so start the whispers

 

Sarah why doesn’t mother have makeup on

 

You know she didn’t believe in makeup

 

Yes but she’s dead

 

And _ what are you trying to say ?

 

She looks like a rawhide

 

What the fuck Duke …

 

I’m just saying if you look at her skin it’s translucent _ and shes as hard as a rock

 

What ! Are you feeling her ?

 

I was interested

Dead bodies go through rigamortis

I wanted to see what that felt like

She’s as hard as a rock

 

Holy fuck Duke

( oh my fuhkin gohhh )

 

clenched teeth

pursed lips

amygdala

 

he turns to face amy

 

Amy

 

him

apathetic tone

firm calm expression

robotic whispered tone

 

What is it ?

Amy … I think we need to break up

What are you saying ?

 

fast filled lungs

raised eyebrows

pushed out chin

lips squared

framing front teeth

head cocked but

snaps back

reaction

obviously subtle

 

Duke _ We’re at your moms funeral

 

heavy breath

long

full

lungs

Astonished

 

Well thats just it amy

I’m grieving pretty hard _ and I don’t think this is going to work out

 

I understand you’re grieving

Thats why i’m here

I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to help you through this

 

Amy

I’m grieving

 

breath in

short and snappy

 

I don’t think this is going to work out

 

So you need some time apart to settle down

I can do that

 

Amy

This is definitely not going to work out

 

Crescendo

 

Oh my god duke

p

 

I cant believe your pulling this at your moms funeral

m

 

Duke 

f

 

Would you shut up ?

 

Shut up ???

You’re trying to break up with me at your moms funeral

fff

 

whiney words

whispered shouts

double bar line

silence

she

a sad short shocked survey of the crowd

with dropped jaw

7 seconds

 

Amy

 

 

What ?

 

bird like whine

 

I’m not trying to break up with you

 

What do you mean Duke?

What are you even saying right now ?

 

I am Breaking up with you

 

her

shoots down the crowd of people

from the first pew to the last

him

turns to sister

 

Well _ The storm has passed

 

Uuugh You’re impossible

 

Do you get it sis ?

 

What ?

 

The storm has passed

You know _ Because she stormed out of here

 

he lets out

one chuck

of a chuckle

she lets out

1/10th

of a breathy sob

 

45 minutes

an eternity in hell

 

afterwards

fat aunt gladys sucks the marrow

from her now plate of chicken bones

geriatric swarms of seagulls _

they all squawk the same thing anyways

forced intensified laughter echoes from the kitchen

like that one obnoxious lady at the bottom of the movie theatre

 

tokens to remember

or

party favors

 

brandy eggnog

it was her favorite drink

in the middle of august

god damned Josh Groban album

record winning

longest shit

in the upstairs guest bathroom

ever

 

riiing

riiing

 

Hey

What happened at the funeral today ?

 

It’s ridiculous right ?

 

You’re ridiculous duke

You did that at your moms funeral

 

Sam your overreacting

 

Am I ?

You embarrassed her in front of the whole congregation

 

Well it had to be done

and she embarrassed herself

 

At the funeral ?

How would you have had her act Duke ?

 

I just thought it was a good excuse

to break up with her

Really

Why couldn’t you have just been a man

and dealt with it properly

 

Is there really a proper way to break up with someone ?

Look lets just get over this

We don’t have to hide our relationship

 

After that we do

 

What do you mean ?

 

What do you mean, What do you mean ?

 

I’m best friends with your sister Duke

I can’t just start going out with you after you

break up with your girlfriend at your moms funeral

in front of your entire family

 

You were the one who told me to drop the girl anyways

 

Well I didn’t know you were going to be that irresponsible ?

 

Can you come talk to me i’m in the guest bathroom ?

 

Why don’t you come out here ?

You’re not even going to make yourself present at the afterparty ?

 

I don’t want to be out there

I don’t like any of those people

 

Do you mean your family ?

 

I don’t even know them

 

They’re your family duke

and family is family

 

Maybe _ We don’t have anything in common anyways

 

Whatever Dick

 

Hangs up

leaves the fiesta

home at last

 

riiing

riiing

 

Hello

outdone

overwhelmed

exhausted

 

Hey buddy

 

David heyyyy

Its always nice to hear your voice

 

Sorry sweetheart your not my type

 

Alright asshole

so whats up with you

I haven’t seen you in forever

 

I know man you been a fucking hermit crab for the past century

 

Dude you know I was busy man

 

Yeah whatever

Anyways me and the guys are going to play some pool at Phelps’s

You should come

 

Im not sure man _ when did you want to go ?

 

Well we’re going Tuesday night

ok well I have to finish a paper before then

but ill definitely make an effort to get out there

Sweet man if I don’t see you there you’ll lose your Status

Oh No ! My Status

 

Sarcastic

humorous

friendly banter

calmed nerves

much needed relief

Alright man well have a good night

You too David

Night falls

so falls the pen

thought filled etchings

of the souls condition

thoughts bleeding from the hand

through the pen

to the paper

like a leech draws poison from the blood

I am sooo frustrated. Sarah thinks i’m a heartless pig for not feeling the way she does. I don’t know how she can feel like that about mom. I’m the one who raised her anyway. Mom was always drinking and ruining everything that I worked for, and Sarah’s mad at me. I didn’t even love mom. I’m glad she’s dead. Am I wrong for that? I mean she only fucked up everything in my life. Im surprised I even graduated. God I feel sooo guilty. I shouldn’t feel this way but I do.

It felt so weird being there, and those fucking old shitheads saying they’re sorry and pretending to be sad. Its like my family is fighting over who loved her the most and why they deserve to have this or that.

Sam broke up with me today. Well I guess it was a break up. I wasn’t technically dating her I just wanted something real. I didn’t even like Amy that much she was annoying. I just thought I finally met someone who understood me. We got along so well before this. What the hell was she thinking. Its almost like she was using that as an excuse to not go out with me. I feel like she is playing with me. Why would someone do that? Why cant girls just get their emotions together?

Dad didn’t even show up today. I guess he has Sharron to tickle his dick. Is it even possible to love someone?

Im tired of putting on this facade. I don’t care about my life, I’m not even excited about graduating this semester.

muffled booms and chimes

echo from the pool hall

an aggressive misrepresentation of masculinity

praising of fickle ideals

seeping into the minds of the already altered minds

those sipping on the byproduct of rot

judging that which does not define them

Heyyy Duke

Whats up David

Dude Im feeling pretty hot right now

I’m on a mean streak

I just creamed Sam at the last game

 

Sam’s here ?

Yeah and she was asking about you

 

that feeling of

should I be happy or worried

 

Oh ok

 

Duuuuke

heyyy

 

Shout from yonder

sprint to the finish

half a beer on the floor

glass half empty

you can fill it up again anyways

 

Oh hey Sam

 

Whats wrong duke ?

You don’t look that happy to see me

 

Whispers in ear

 

Im sorry for what I said the other day

I just don’t want Sarah to find out just yet

 

About what ?

 

shoots

 

About what we’re going to get into tonight

 

corner pocket shot

fermented rot

score

solid

sloshed

 

I don’t know how I feel about this David

 

Dude just roll with it

 

You have to promise not to tell Sarah

I got you bro _ Now get you some

and don’t look so glum

 

she approaches

 

Really Duke

 

And you Sam

What the fuck

 

Duke oh my god

I cant believe I slept over last night _ Did we ? _ You know ?

 

Really Sam

I don’t feel like playing games right now

 

No I don’t remember anything at all

 

You took advantage of my best friend when she was drunk ?

You’re a heartless pig

 

Oh my god I cant believe this is happening to me

Can both of you just get out of my room

 

So is that how you see me Duke

 

NO

 

you just wanted to fuck

and now your done with me

 

just get out

I don’t feel like putting up with either of you

 

Duke you really are a heartless pig

 

Get the fuck OOOOUT

Get the fuck out

Get the fuck out

get out get out

Door Slammed Shut

 

the letter of the day is F

lets count how many F’s there are

a one a two a three

ah ah ah

the number of the day is three

 

riiing

riiing

riiing

 

Whats up David

 

Dude what the fuck is wrong with you

 

what do you mean…

 

oh with the whole Sam thing

yeah are you fucking crazy

 

you were the one pushing her on my yesterday

maybe you should ask yourself the same thing

 

yeah but you brought her back to your place

 

sooo

 

dude you fucked your sisters best friend at your house

 

I figured if Sam is so ready to jump into bed with me

she wouldn’t have a problem with my sister knowing

anyways I cant really go to her parents house

 

Well shit dude

You’re fucked now

 

Well than why the fuck do you need to remind me if i’m so fucked ???

 

hangs up

 

God Dammit

 

cascades of books fall to the ground

bed normally made

book bag strewn across the floor

an overturned hamper

hampering mobility

into the place of solitude

now

a battleground of feelings

the remnants of

dead emotions strewn across the ground

broken victories

now plastic carcasses

cherished moments

now mangled frames

fragments of frustration

angsty anticipation without destination

 

Thanks Jimmy your a lifesaver

 

Bro I thought you quit this shit

 

Yeah I did but I just wanted to take off the edge

 

Well this shit’ll do it

this is probably the best shit I’ve ever had

look at the crystals on this man

its like little shard of glass

 

yeah its good

 

dude your gonna be so high

I uh _ have some wax too _ if you want

 

well

 

this is good enough man

Im not really looking for much

 

nah I got u brah

its on me

come see

 

tortured timeframe

as the torch is lit

feelings of obligation

as the glass glows red

the booger is blotted

disseminated smoke

seeps through the

winding labyrinth

as lungs suck the

waxy waste through

the bubbling

erlenmeyer

coughing bellows

through the halls

out the door

and into the streets

as

the door cracks

feet rumble through that hall

and into the smoke filled living room

 

Put your hands above your head and get on the ground

 

Fuck Jimmy

What the fuck

 

cackling cuffs coarsely caressing carpals

cramped car crudely cruising

cage clinks closed

 

who to call

who to call

who to call

 

riiing

riiing

riiing

 

C’mon

 

speaker clicks

 

Hello this is Sarah

Who’s number is this ?

 

Hey Sarah this is Duke

 

What do you want Duke ?

 

Sarah _ I need you to bail me out

 

What ? your in jail ?

 

Yes _ but its not my fault

 

Then why are you in jail ?

 

Sarah I don’t have time for this

I need you to bail me out

 

C’mon Duke

 

I’m in class right now

 

God Sarah please I don’t want to be in here any longer than I have to

 

Its not my fault

I didn’t get put in jail

 

I told you already its not my fault

 

Maybe if you told me what happened

 

I could help you

 

Oh God …

I don’t have time for this

ill tell you about it in the car

 

Well I guess I don’t have a reason to come get you

 

For fucks sake alright

 

I was at Jimmy’s and they came and arrested both of us

and i’m in here because of his ass

 

What the fuck

I thought you stopped hanging around that idiot

 

I did

 

Then what the fuck were you over there for

You don’t even like that guy

 

This is not really the place to talk about that Sarah

Ill talk to you in the car

 

No _ I want to know how its not your fault when you decided it was a good idea to go

to jimmy’s

 

Look the one time I decide to go to Jimmy’s

this has to happen

 

phone bleeps out

 

NoNoNoNoNo

 

times up

 

I don’t even know if she’s coming to get me

well you can try again tomorrow

 

I can’t stay here another night

 

cell block cold

eerie echoes

worrisome wait

finally home

sister sleeps

the door creeps

off into the night

morning follows

September

 

it was a glorious fall

the crimson red leaves

speckles

along the pavement

of the abandoned school steps

the tall tan grass waves goodbye

to the summer

covering the tall tan figure from view

the insects have their harvest

before the blistering cold comes

soon to be bones for wild dogs

never to be found